I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
