I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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