I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
