Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
