I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
