Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
