boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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