she looked like the before picture.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
