U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
