he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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