I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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