did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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