Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
