So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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