He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
