My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She told me I should be a condom model.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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