3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I got inside last night via doggy door
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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