Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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