i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
