shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
