Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
