Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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