Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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