I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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