six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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