Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My pussy is not your playground.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
