new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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