she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
