My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my shit smells like andre
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
