I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
