Can i not drive my cunt home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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