I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
