I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
