you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
