so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
