I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
