did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
