So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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