Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
