I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
