my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
