Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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