it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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