I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
