I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Need sex. Gaining weight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
