and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
