No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
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