He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
