so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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