You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
