I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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